The Lesson for the W/E

So it appears that now is later. I approached this past weekend not really knowing what to expect- I had heard a fair few good things about the experience of last year's Summit from a few of my friends but one cannot really ever know what is going to face you when you are unsure of the scenery.

The ride up opened my eyes- as I had to leave early due to classes (a close friend of mine had the same misfortune of being in Sunday clinical with me) we both drove up and down together. I love this guy because of how he basically rips my logic to shreds, forcing me to analyze the overlooked bits that lurk underneath my facade of supposed comprehension. He is remarkably intelligent but his reasoning and rather penetrating questions seem to surpass common knowledge. What he does is downright raw.

So after having him open up my thoughts and sorting through them picking out the insecurities, I was able to approach sessions with opened eyes, searching for the God of the universe to come in and sort me out.

The chosen groups I found to be either based on things that I already knew or rather too focused on using physical tools rather than building emotional construction sites. I love the group in general, but some days it seems like it is a little too geared to accomplishing tasks for the kingdom in too specific a way with too many guidelines and regulations that supposedly need to be followed. I realize that things would not get done if not for the guidelines, but when they become restricting, that is when I cringe back.

The main sessions were the ones that opened my eyes- it seemed that all the things that my friend picked apart in me were addressed- from being a control-freak, to putting too much stock in church rather than personal growth with God, to playing mother to rather fully grown men who needed to do their own picking-up-of-socks. I keep thinking back to one of the things that the main speaker said

The weak are used to spur the strong to action.

That was what I was feeling. I was feeling so weak and so useless that I thought it was useless for Him to use me, but through what I had pieced together from both what he and I had talked about to what she said to what He and I talked about... plugs finally seemed to find the outlets in the wall lighting up the room. 

I cannot say that everything is perfect. Less than that for sure, but the comfort that I am not expected to be perfect is what astounds me about grace. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to have my life in order because I am a control freak- but the challenge comes in fully, entirely and completely surrendering  the situations you think you can do on your own to the alter.

Really super hard to do, but I trust that he can use me; make me stronger than the little broken shrimp of a person that I am.

It wasn't until one of the final prayers that I opened my heart fully and let it go. Literally. Before I knew what had happened, tears were coursing down my face in rivulets. I think I may have worried some of the people in my prayer group, but when He is so astoundingly there, it is hard not to be taken by emotion.

Another friend asked me what was wrong after the prayer and to be honest, I didn't know what to reply. When you are so seized by emotion that it takes you by surprise and changes your heart, you just want to go on a walk of your own, down to a beach and sing while the water laps at your feet. Although I didn't quite have the time to do this, I found that the worship that we did just opened up an entirely new pot of tea. 

The bags had been steeping in the water for a few hours and the mood was powerful and aromatic- the Spirit of the Living God was coursing through that room in such vibrant and astonishing ways that between the kids lifting their hands in worship and the others falling on their knees in the back of the room- we were all finding new bits of ourselves, whether others realized it or not.

The Lord really is better than anyone can expect. It hurts to think that people are dissatisfied with the goodness that He evokes as His love surpasses any measly attempt that you may decide to give a shot.

You can be lonely for physical touch from another, you can be craving power to do something radical, you can be straining for acceptance and belonging by what you look like and how you act, you can be hollering at the demons while holding your sign and protesting the injustice that lurks behind every phonebox, but no matter how things come to be, how you approach or even sit justified in a situation- you are not alone... you have an army behind you.

And if you really are that lonely, please come talk to me. I really love hugs.