questionable

And the terms are heard again.

selfish, conceited, thoughtless

The perspective is from the outside but it is found inward, cutting away at the little fibers and emotions that hold the heart and soul in place.

you are not a nice person.

It is meant as an observation. It is meant as harmless banter. It takes chunks out where it comes from. Just because immediate opinions are not voiced does not give one leave to take stabs at someone and it sure doesn’t mean that the efforts to being the best one can be are futile. Prayer is continuous: for courage, for strength.

pray for humility. pray for selflessness. pray for patience.

It is taking ahold of the mind like a disease, seeping into thoughts and feelings, perverting them and turning them into something against the original will. It is a working, viral contradiction that ruins confidence and establishes low self-esteem. It hurts.

~

One is unsure why this comes up every few months. It is because you can feel what you hold as concrete giving way at the edges? Is it possible that because everything that you hold in your grip of steel is coming between your fingers? Portrayals of negative actions but potentially lights in the darkness?

Does that make sense to you? No, you say. Shall I elaborate?

Since the start of the life itself, the control has been comforting, but as life and years go on, the authority is constricting. It is like an iron vice around the lungs, restricting breath and natural flow. Freedom is seen it tiny glimpses and fortunately the control wanes ever so slightly with passing days, but.

There is always a but.

It stops one from moving as freely as the other kids. While they are off having sleepovers and painting fingernails, you are stuck in your room with your textbook propped against your pillow, watching the snow fall in miserable drifts to land softly on the carpet it is creating.

Love is there. It is in hefty sums, but please. I am trying to do all that I can. I just want to go and play with the others. I don’t want to be stuck here forever, simply taking orders.

~

Years later, the extrapolating exaggeration is profound. There was no lone bedroom with the textbook. You were allowed to paint your fingernails (once you turned 11…). You did see and play with your friends.

But as the threat of a daughter sauntering off into the sunset “ill-prepared” or “inconsiderate” darkens your thoughts, the fist begins to clench ever so slightly. The hold is strengthened until the tiny rays of sunshine that were just starting to peek through vanish in an unsightly puff of smoke.

Poof.

And voilà. Qu’est-ce que c’est? Il a été effrayé. He is scared. He does not want to lose you. He wants to have you as prepared as possible for the rest of the world… for it to come to you and seize you by the scruff of the neck.

It is scary to him. He loves you.

You love him back. That doesn’t stop the annoying, teenaged frustration.

He doesn’t understand. Is that really what you think, you pathetic individual? Do you really believe that he has not been a teenager of “misunderstanding” parents himself? You are his pride and joy however. Get a hold of yourself.

pray for humility. pray for selflessness. pray for patience.

They will come in due time.

God will lift up your head.