Open Swing

Writing is an amazing source of output. Straight up, no looking back, always looking forward with little sense of time that you spend, clicking away at the keys… and I find that unless it is a really interesting topic that holds you captive, you’re mind is subjected to wandering.

So I apologize if you find this dull ’cause I just want to pour out my mind for the next few moments.

First off, that party that I went to two nights ago? Helped me to feel good about myself in a way that I was sure I had forgotten how to feel. I’m going to just write what’s on my mind so please don’t judge: if you feel inclined to ask, please do so when we are alone and I will share with you.

I have gone from a ridiculously small high school (grad class of 68!) to a much… muchlarger post-secondary institution. Looking back through the few months with what I told people, I was a loner… and in many respects this was true, but after this ‘gathering’ I attended, I realized that I had friends in places I didn’t really realize I had. True, my best friend of 15 years has always been a rock, but I had also forgotten about two other people who were so instrumental in my high school life. I could talk to them about anything, comfort them, and they would love me, whether I was being me or if my emotions and feelings were getting the best of me.

Grade 12 I hit up the indie music scene (dragging my beloved brother along with me, go T&S!) and that changed a few perspectives in a nice 180 degree aspect. Following the norm wasn’t cool… striking out on your own was phenomenal and different, what everyone tried to do when bringing in a new ‘fad’ but suddenly the masses would follow.

I realize that indie music was a little like that, but it meant something more. There are so many bands and singers and groups out there that no one has any idea existed (see ‘Associations: Sound and Feel’ at the top of my page for examples) but they’re cool with that. Of course musicians initially want to make it big and strike up deals and the like, but to begin with, they are satisfied with just making music: playing to the best of their ability and having a freakin’ riot doing it.

Anyways, mini-rant.

I segregated myself from the mass of my high school peers and started to see the world in a way that I believe I was meant to see it as… an individual way that pertained to the music I was involve in. It is a pretty broken place, full of copycats who are following others down dark paths to the unknown.

One thing that I have really experienced in the ways of the ‘sheep’ is this concept of marijuana. Prime example, I shall not relinquish his name: I know a guy, and after dating his girlfriend for a month short of a year, was pretty broken up. To get back at her, he started smoking pot and drinking consistently. She was pretty baffled about it and constantly needed someone to rant to, so I got the full scoop on this but I realized what the actions of one person can do to hurt another. It’s remarkable hey? People are so interconnected that even if you feel you are indeed a loner, there are those who latch on to you and hold you accountable for what you do. This surprised me because I had thought I had forgotten what this feeling (outside of my family) was like.

Second off. (that was quite long! good gracious, I apologize!) I got into bed the night of the birthday party around 1230. It was one of those awesome positions, my pillows were in an ‘L’ at the head of my bed with my head nestled in the crack between the two– most comfortable position ever. Try it some time. And I was going through everyone I know saying:

‘Bless cheerleader’

‘Bless what’s-her-face’

‘Bless so-and-so’

‘Bless the ugly-one’ (though there wasn’t any ugly ones… it’s just TGS. if you understand, you’ll laugh)

And if you have ever tried doing this, it is remarkably hard. I am quite a friendly person and though I have my close circle of friends (the ones that I can legitly reallytalk to… not just mere acquaintances) I know a lotta people… so this took me quite an age and I slowly began to drift off to sleep.

My phone was on my desk (a good six steps across my room) and at 0102, it goes off, buzzing like a hair razor. Being a light sleeper, I jerked awake to look at it who it was, in the meantime relinquishing my comfy position (its so not fair… once you get up from this position and attempt to go back to it, it is never as comfortable as it was the first time. not cool beans). I got up and looked at it and it was a friend of mine (talking to this guy always makes me excited: he’s a phenomenal individual who I can open up to whatever the situation and I know he will be there for me. I have been so blessed by God, and I wont ever let this guy go. I hope he knows that), telling me that he had had contact (not an alien, i promise) with another guy we both knew. This excited me because I felt I was a little disconnected from the other guy for a bit. I won’t explain cause it is long and grueling and may strain a few muscles on my behalf.

Anyways, there is a moral to this story. I have found that God takes the confused and the alone and he provides people who will help them. Its one of the coolest experiences ever to feel so disoriented and have someone come by and take your hand. To feel like you are sinking, tightly packed into fetal position in the bottom of a boat, under the seat and have someone come and lie down beside you, protecting you from the elements.

Basically, wrapping two stories together, I am glad that what I experienced at the party last night was also portrayed for my friends: and I want them to know that i am here for them.

This post was really all over the place. I hope you understood parts of it.