irises and puzzle pieces

'Would you please stop tailing me? Honestly.' Her eyes grew wide with frustration as she shook her head and continued walking, rolling carry-on bag rumbling behind her.

'You know my question. I need your answer. Please.' He stared at her, his eyes in turn narrowing to try and read her emotions. It was not just frustration he was seeing. There was something else there, something he wasn't quite sure he had seen before but it had a familiar tint... like a flavour of ice cream you had had when you were small, the taste just drifting off of your tongue in your recollection.

She turned around, stopping her luggage in it's tracks, worn wheels thumping unhappily.

'I...I just... can't.' She looked at him, all the coldness gone from her voice, replaced instead with weariness.

'Why though? I just want an answer.'

'It's a long story.' She brushed her bangs from her forehead and smoothed her hand around the side of her face with her free hand; her other held the train ticket, clutched tightly.

Wow, He thought. She really does look tired. 'We have time,' he told her gently.

Her grey eyes searched him, running over his face, his hands, looking for some sort of string that she could pull to inflate and pop his sensitivity. She sighed.

'I don't have long. My train will be here in a little while.'

'Then can you please shorten it? This is something I need to understand, M, please.'

She sighed again.

'Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She wasn't much like the other girls who played with barbies and dressed them up. She played with toy cars and transformers, horses and boats and loved books more than anything. She always dreamed of being a writer, transposing thoughts and feelings onto paper so others may have an idea of what the writer was going through--'

'Is this real?' He asked.

'I thought you wanted to hear the story?'

'I do.' He protested.

'Then don't interrupt.'

She smirked at his expression and continued.

'She always loved reading and movies too, would spend hours with her nose inches from the pages, staring intently at the letters. Unfortunately, these imagination inspiring hobbies made her see things. She took those love stories and applied them. She made them real. She took her life and pretended it was one of such love stories without her knowing. And the stage was set for her life.'

She paused, biting her lip and staring at her hands folded in her lap, ticket under her hands, a constant reminder of her slight time crunch.

She looked frail and hesitant, like she was unsure of how to continue, but the promise of peace drifted past her. She had only to reach out and grab it.

'She lived her life, not caring too much about boys or hair or silly things, but it was monotonous. Finish high school, go to university, get a job, settle down. But the idea of settling down confused her. Settle down where? What did it mean? One day, the girl's father came to her, telling her to go and get a job, seeing as she would have to pay for university. So she went out with her resume. She tried a number of places, each more ridiculous than the previous until at last, her feet brough her to the front of the book store. Might I get a job there? What are the chances they will take me? She asked herself. She gripped the paper and walked in.

A couple weeks later and she still hadn't heard anything from them. She was starting to get desperate so she called in. The phone rang. And rang. And rang. And finally someone picked up. A few short words later, and an anxious car ride, she arrived for an interivew.'

'Look, I'm sure this is really momentous and all, but what does this have to do with the qu-'

'Do you want my answer or not?' She snapped, eyes flashing rather maliciously.

'I'm sorry. Really. Okay, keep going.'

Trains whistled as they arrived at the station and she peered around. Satisfied that she still had ample time, her eyes began to twinkle.

'She went through the interview and all that jazz... learning lots. They put her onto the sales floor so she could help customers find their books. The first song she remembered hearing was Soft Rock Star by Metric. That song still makes her smile, it's just the memories, ya know? The girl met many incredible people on that floor, many who would become very close to her, but some of them would eventually drift slowly off in their own directions. The prospect made her sad, but for once, she knew what she was doing. She frequently visited the front desk, as there was much to do there...'

'Is that where you first met him?'

'Who?' She asked, knowing that once the story took off, he would stop interrupting her. Her eyes didn't really ask the question because they knew what he was getting at.

'Him,' He replied. 'The guy.' Eyes staring at her knees as if it was him taking the knife out of his heart.

'Yes.' She replied in turn, staring at the floor where their feet were inches away, pointing at each other. He looked then at the bench she was sitting at. It was stable and solid but the slats between the boards were something to think about.

It wasn't a remotely remarkably bench, seeing as there were many more of them all over the train station, but that people had so much faith that it would hold them up. Faith by experience. He thought to himself.

She did the sweeping motion of her face again, as if to wake herself up. The story never got any easier to tell, in fact this was the first time she recounted it to anyone... might as well get the facts straight.

She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes and exhaled, continuing the narrative, this time taking out the prospect that it could possibly be someone else.

'I would watch him from behind poles as he worked, quick, agile... man, I was a fool. One of the managers came to me a few months later saying they needed another cashier. Would I like to train for it? Of course I would. I've always wanted to use the cash register.' Suddenly she started chuckling. 'You know, they're really not that interesting. Oh the fond memories of childhood, hey?'

He looked up at her, the first light popping into her eyes as she laughed. He brightened as well, for a lightness to the story was welcome.

'I worked cash. I flirted. I went nuts. I loved it. I would eagerly await the shifts I would work with him, always checkin' the schedule. In my agenda where I kept all the dates and times I worked, I put little hearts around the days I did work with him and little sad faces around the ones I didn't so I would be able to prepare myself either way. I was a dork, but it was all from watching those stupid movies.

'Shifts turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and I searched him on facebook. My dad hated the whole idea of non-security, so he had forbade my siblings and I from using it. I did it secretly. I really hate to admit that because it was trying their trust in me, but they never found out fortunately... ha ha that would have been really awful. One day when my dad was picking me up from work, I asked him (and it took me so long to get up the guts, might I add... you know how my dad is...) if I could have facebook because this guy who I was really quite into from work had it and that was the only way I would be able to communicate with him outside of work. He gave it a go. I was surprised and one of the most excited people.

'I gave myself an account-- not so actually. I just rebooted my then stagnant account and I added him. We started talking. And talking. And talking. It was crazy; one night we stayed up so late that at three in the morning (we were using the messages!) that my mum walked in the room...' She laughed, closing her eyes as if remembering the smell of sunshine on fresh washing. 'She went totally ballistic. But I kept up the conversing.

'One day, we decided to go to a movie. Dan in Real Life. I still really love that movie.'

'Yeah, it's pretty good...' He looked at her closely. She was smiling as if this wasn't so painful, like it was just recounting a happy memory of summer. He knew otherwise. He know how much she still hurt after all those months. Another train whistle stounded overhead, but this time she didn't look up.

'We went to the movie which finished at eight or so and walked up to the top of the hill. It was at the beginning of November and incredibly cold. We decided up on the top of that hill that we would start dating. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. New experiences for us both. We kissed, another new experience. Again and again, our frozen lips meeting and smiling as our breath warmed the other's face for a time. We held hands walking back down those stairs, then when it got too cold for that, we wrapped our arms around each other and made our way back to the car.'

He knew a bit of the story at this point. He knew that they were in love even after so few hours... it was something new, but between her and the one she loved, it was something old.

'I drove past his house until we came to this empty part on the highway. I turned the car off and we sat in the back of the van, seat extended, my head on his shoulder and we stared out the back windshield at the stars. We just... I don't know. Seemed to work well together. You know most of the rest... how he and I were two puzzle pieces that some huge hands had picked from various corners of the table and put beside each other. We fit. We clicked. We loved different hockey teams, like how we both had different bits of the picture on us, but together we made the bigger picture more clear. That's what it was like for me and him.

'We saw movies together, we went to the top of towers together, we went on walks together, worked together... and time trickled by, us two, as happy as can be. But him and my dad didn't hit it off at all. I loved his parents like my own, I was almost excited to call them in-laws because they were so much fun. But my dad just didn't get it. They repelled against each other like opposite poles of magnets. It was rather horrible! I was always forced to be the middle person, trying to make things work for my sake. And I did it for a long while.

'April came around and we were both afraid of what would happen. He was off to Mexico for a week and a half and the day he got back was the day I would be leaving to Belize. There was about a six hour time difference between him leaving the airport and me arriving at it. It was really hard; all I remember is that his plane left at like four in the morning and I worked the previous night. I begged the manager to let me off at nine thirty and without my parents knowing (they thought I would be working right to ten thirty!) I went to his house. We had our typical relationship moments where we cried and grew sad about not conversing at all... how we change over time.'

She stopped and held her breath.

She stayed like that for a long while, while tears welled up in her eyes.

He watched her. She admitted frequently that she was an ugly crier, but there was something about the pureness of this emotion that had him relate the picture to complexity. She had really loved him. She was only sixteen and she had been so sure of herself then. So sure of them.

'At ten forty, I had to leave. We kissed good-bye so many times in the street telling each other that we loved them dearly and that no matter what would happen, we would continue to love each other. I truely knew that he would do nothing to hurt me. I loved him so much. At 4 am the next morning, I got a phone call. I was anticipating it.

'Good morning, baby, I'm sorry to wake you up. You asked me to though. I love you more than anything and don't want you to forget it!'

'I love you. You know that?'

'I do. I love you more.'

'I know you don't. We love the same. I'll miss you.'

'I'll miss you.'

'Be safe okay.'

'You too, love. God bless.'

'God bless. Good-bye.'

'Good night, my love.'

'And he was off. I knew I had nothing to worry about, but it was still such a weird feeling. He was gone. I cried for a long while that night.'

~

'He was gone a long time, that much I remember clearly. But he facebooked me a couple times and once, he even got some money from his dad to give me a call. That, I think was one of the happiset moments of my life. Hours turned into days, days turned into the week and pretty soon it was close to the time I would have to leave for Belize. I counted down the hours, but not for my trip, for the chance to get to talk to him briefly before I left.

'The hour arrived when he got home. I sat by my phone anxiously, watching it remain solitary on the bed. I stared it down. I lost the contest. finally it rang and my heart stopped, stomach got butterflies and my legs went weak... all at the same time. Now that was wierd.'

She sighed. 'I talked to him again for the first time that night. I told him just how much I had missed him and hoped that he had had a great time despite me not being there. I told him I loved him, that I would be safe while away and that I would write him every evening. It was a general standard conversation, but one that never ceased to leave me with this incredible feeling of belonging.

'I left the next morning, called him then too, just like he had called me and it was nearly the same converation as last time. He was groggy, but he didn't fail to mention that we would one day go to Mexico together. I was excited for the future. I was naive. I loved him.

'The plane ride was interesting and the trip went quickly. I called him every night using the precious minutes on my calling card and one night, as we were just saying hello, he asked me if I would come with him. I was confused. I asked where to and he said that he had gotten tickets to the Oasis concert. I cannot tell a lie, I was dancing around the place. Ha ha! All the girls stared at me as if I had finally snapped. I hollered that I would, that I loved him and that I had to run so I could use some minutes to call him again the next night.

'I remember the girl's faces: a mixture of jealousy and awe... I think they were shocked that we loved each other so much after only six months. One boy asked how I knew we would be together when the concert came around months from then. I just knew.

'The trip drew to a close and I could finally go home. I was sad to leave that incredible place but I was so excited to see my darling again. The day after I got back, I sped over to his house and I remember that reunion. Talk about tearful!

'Days and weeks went by and it was time for his grad. I dressed up especially for him -- I wanted to make him proud and make him feel special. I would have done anything for him. It was a really fun night actually; I was with a whole bunch of people whom I had never met in my life before but I smiled and I listened and had a good time. At one point during the evening, a girl whom I knew had had connections with my love previously came over to the table. One of my boy's friends sad: "C, this is M." Introducing us again. He turned to the other girl. "C, M hates you." All I remember was the heat flushing to my face. I could feel myself going scarlet.

'I didn't understand why my boyfriend did not stand up for me. I was confused and I was embarrassed. What was I supposed to do?'

She turned her head to look at the passers-by. Whistles went off, steam was blowing and her hair was fanned across her shoulders as the wind had swept it there.

When she continued to talk, her eyes were tracking travelers walking past her.

'Whatever. So months went by and I was prepared to go to England. I had been looking forward to this trip for so long and was unbelievably excited. He didn't want me to go. He didn't want me to leave him at all, and while I didn't want to leave either, I needed to just experience something new. The time came and we had a nice good-bye. The fact that we wouldn't see each other for a month was a heavy realization, but as they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I believe now, that it's totally true.

Two weeks before I left, I started writing in this black journal. I wrote to him every night and in every English class as I was so crazy bored.

'The day came when I had to leave. The night before however, we saw each other. Hadn't cried that hard in a long time. I gave him the black book and asked him to write in it everyday so that I would be able to read it when I got back and see just what he was thinking. I loved him a ton and wanted to have connections between the two of us while I was out of range. The next day i left, I was beyond excited and those three and a half weeks were the best of my life. They were so different and new and exciting, every day! I saw things that he would love, I saw little gifts and the like and bought them."

She laughed, closing her eyes momentarily.

'We were first in York and I saw this street vendor in the Shambles that was selling laminated posters. I bought him one of his favorite band. I carried the poster with me every day for the remainder of the trip and I have to be honest, it gave me a connection to him just like that black book worked to me. We went through York, Oxford, the Cotswolds, Shropshire, Strattford-Upon-Avon, Wales... London... and while in London I met up with a good friend of mine. We had such an amazing time, talking about life back home, talking about all the amazing sights that were around us, and I felt 100% at peace.

'The time came for me to come back. I was so miserable to leave but I couldn't wait to see him. And when I thought about it, the stark bizarre reality came to me that he really was the love of my life. I didn't seem to grasp how a just-turned 17 year-old could feel so comfortable with someone and know them so personally.

'We touched down home, I had a quick nap and the next day I went over to see him. Even my dad was alright with it as I hadn't seen him in a month. I was so totally stoked to clap eyes on him. I just remember the feel of him in my arms... like it just worked all over again. I don't remember what we said, what I was wearing, what shoes he wore... just that I held him for the better side of half an hour. I loved him.'

She cleared her throat, eyes clancing to the ceiling towering above her, iron beams sprawled across the roof.

'The next few months went by speedily as nothing too remarkable happened during them. I saw lots of him, much to my dad's dismay. Things weren't getting easier between them... it seemed that they were always picking fights with each other and that nothing that I said or did would make a difference. They were both bizarrely alike in ways in how they thought and I suppose I should have seen the warning signals when the Alpha males started to get protective.

'I loved them both, but when they were together, I felt like a piece of meat that was being fought over. How could I possibly marry this boy if he didn't get along with a main influence in my life?"

She paused. She sounded desperate, the light excitement that was in her voice was now gone, replaced with heavy reality.

'October 1, 2008. Our 11-month anniversary on the day. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I broke it off.'

She looked still like she was reading about the death of a family member. She closed her eyes, staring at the back of her lids all the while the tears welled up behind them and spilled down her cheeks, tearing apart the quiet like a cannon in the night.

'I love dhim more than life itself. I would have died for him. I think... I don't know. I wanted a family with him. I was that in love. The future was solely composed of him and I. I'm not sure why I ended it. My father had been so irritable the past few days and I wasn't sure of how to handle it. I didn't know how to work it out. It felt like this immense, pressing weight.

'I left the boy because of my parents. My heart broke that night and it is going to take a long while to heal.'

She breathed a sigh of apparent relief.

He finally realized what she had gone through. He had not quite grasped the intensity of the situation until it was laid out on the table, like a puzzle to see the full majesty and complexity of the picture.

'So, what happened?' He asked. 'Why are you still... like... well, this?'

'The night I did it, we both hadn't cried that much in our lives. I still haven't cried as much since... it was to that point where you can't breathe; you just start hperventilating because it feels like your whole life is being sucked up through your mouth. He went into denial for a little while, and begged me to take him back. I wanted to so badly.'

He looked at her. 'What did your parents do?'

'Oh, they seemed relieved. They were everything I was not. I didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn. They thought that things hadn't been 'working out' but they never found out the real reason. Whenever I would think about taking him back it was like my parents knew what I was feeling and would intercept me. They kept saying that it would get easier. They kept saying that there was a light and I just had to remain focused on it. They were right... but at the time it felt that they weren't.

'It didn't get easier for the longest while. It still seems like a nightmare some days, but I'm coping.'

'Why though?' He asked, pushing for an answer.

'A week after we first broke up, he stopped trying to get me back. I was destroyed. He dated other girls. He shot me in the chest. He got drunk frequently. That spoon fed me poison. He dated a girl that we had worked with, he went around kissing girls he had only met a few moments before, all the while drunk. This wasn't the boy I had fallen in love with. This one was intoxicated, smoked weed. This one had cut me out of his life forever, claiming that he was no happy. I was not and I knew he wasn't either.

'I still struggle with it. Some days I feel such pity towards him.

'I believe I have come to a conclusion however... I love the old him, still even. But I hate this new him. I can't stand how he has some crazy power over me. It isn't normal.'

She sounded like she was getting more and more closed, starting to speak quickly and bluntly.

He stared at her. She was so different, so unique and she was clearly so distraught about this.

'What about now?' He asked her.

'You know about now. You know what I'm like. I enjoy being single. I enjoy being able to do my own thing and have no one to latch onto me, but I miss him. Quite a lot. But I really cannot stand who he has become. It's rather ridiculous.'

He looked at her.

Here was this girl, generally so closed to letting people in. She was laying with all of her emotions, memories and broken pieces on the table waiting for him to make a decision.

'You didn't decide to do this because of you two?'

'No.'

'You broke up with him because of his parents?'

'Yes.'

'And you still love him?'

'I want to be very clear on this. I loved only who he was. I loved how he was when it was just me and him. I have no feelings for this new chap. The new one is fake... almost as if he is showing off.'

She sighed once more.

'I keep thinking that something will happen... one of these stupid movie plot lines will take hold of mylife. That he will come back to me.'

She got up.

'So now you know that my answer is no. I'm sorry. I need to deal with the aftermath of this first though.'

With that, she grasped the handle of her luggage and went off to her train.

She took one glance back at him, and headed towards the car. She couldn't get on.

Where will it take her?