So much to do, So little brain. I'm sorry for the thoughts.
Thoughts racing, mood swings like a bipolar secretary who snaps at the women who only try to do their jobs. The coping is ceasing to work as patterns of ideas flit from disease to disorder, numbers to formulas, trying to work out the actuality of what is simply before us.
I can blame it on lack of sleep. I can blame it on studying at the university 8.5 hours every day. I can blame it on turmoil, dysfunction, incapacity, or the supreme lack of variety as I move from school to house to school to house like a clockwork scuba diver, bumping into walls and others and in the meantime, trying with what little might I have left to stay my course. I can blame it on run-on sentences that permeate my brain with those racing thoughts. But I wont.
I think that I am a big girl now. I don't feel it- I hardly feel my age at all (which isn't remarkably significant) but rather someone small and worried trapped in some sort of swirling vortex of textbooks and lectures and powerpoints.
Yes, I am a student, how can you tell?
But I realize that I have to pick up my big girl socks and put them on. Life isn't fair, but who are we to pass judgement on things that cannot change? I.e. exams, breakouts, stress... we can beg and plead and whine but at the end of all of it, we still have to carry on with our day. And it's certainly not like the day will stop just for us- that would be silly.
I have a cup of tea beside me... things are already making a slight (very slight!) turn for the better. But then again, tomorrow is Friday. And with Friday comes the weekend (though I doubt I have ever been less excited for a weekend) and with the weekend comes Monday and with Monday comes Christmas break and the beginning of my new placement.
Drat, I need to shop. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year but it can be so stressful as we work at tying up loose ends of schoolwork and horrible things that we don't want to do (i.e. the cleaning of one's bathroom in preparation of the company coming to stay)... but despite the frustrations of the past couple months - going back and forth between the doctors offices and school and home and the odd places in my mind where there is nothing but studying and creativity (both very different corners, may I add) - I have found peace.
From being stressed and scared about what would come to being exhausted and worn-down, I have seen a change that moved from despair to a welcoming of the Almighty into a state of who I want to be; who I am striving to be. I may not be happy or all in line just yet, but I have confidence that things will unfold to a better way. Do you feel the same?
On a side note, we are a funny people- always tending to skip the crack, only to land on another in the interim. Why do we think we can see when we really have no idea of the larger framework? Our blindness really confuses me, as both eyes are blinking, but have the nerves snapped? Are the organs functioning? Or do we just refuse to see past the ends of our noses into the dank darkness of the world around us? Into the larger puzzle, if you will, that is sprawled out before us like a map of the London underground.
And every time you enter the car, the resounding 'Mind the gap between the train and the platform' leaps out of the air to batter it's way into your mind, imprinting itself there. The words are etched in silver and every time you turn towards the light, you get a glint of metallic remembrance that shimmies along in your brain, reminding you of why you should do things differently.
You know that it is right. You know that it is the logical thing to do. You know that in the long-run it will ultimately be better off for both cowboys and indians, the british and the french, the good and the bad- but most days it's just too bloomin' difficult to constantly remind yourself of the goodness of logic. Screw logic! You say as you bash your head against the wall, trying to find the crack between the pieces of drywall, the opening into the alternative option. There should be more than a door number 1 and a door number 2, but would you really want to take the road which will only obviously lead to worse things?
I struggle, but I have hope for the future- for getting mixed up in things which could be better for others if I just kept a cool head and made sure to keep the filter on and tight. Why must I throw about random banter?
The lovely tube voice so clearly gives us warning... make sure you Mind The Gap, but hundreds upon thousands of personal effects are lost within that gap every year- and it doesn't stop in England. It happens all over North America, Asia, heck, if they decided to breech the disastrous weather, they'd have train gaps in Antarctica also.
You'll have the good ones. You'll have the dreadful ones. You'll wish you could crawl up into a ball of hopelessness or throw your arms up in the air and say I give up. I have wanted to do that several if not most days for the past couple weeks but for some odd reason I just keep going.
I guess I don't really have much of a choice... as I mentioned before, the day won't simply stop for me... but then again, nor do I want it to. Because that would mean that everyone would have to look at how broken I am and how incapable I am in putting my life into tidy arrangement ... despite all of the organization and colour coded note pages of my situations, things don't follow rules: athletes know that best of all. But everyone would see me trying to do this myself and shake their heads- I have a champion who is always around when I need him, just waiting for me to call out, but for some absolutely ridiculous reason, I pause. I have found change. This has always been changing.
And here I am, a new person, continuously made bright in Him despite my broken bits. I don't deserve it. I deserve to be locked away to never experience warmth or vitamin D on my skin again. I know people who would agree with that. But I plead forgiveness in all cases. I plead redemption.
And oddly enough, I've been given it by the one who truly matters.
I have wanted to write something along these lines for months and months but have never got around to it- I have always found new things being added, old things being taken away and finally I just sat down in the midst of the most horrible month I have gone through to pour out my tears into a cup. Figuratively of course.
This is personal.
This is real.
This is me letting down my barriers so you can glimpse at the hurt, the literal pain (foot!), the mending and the joy that I am dealing with. If you hurt, there are always shoulders around. You're not alone out there. You're not.
And I may not know who you are, I may even- but know that I am willing to pray passionate for you... just say the word and it will be done.
I can blame it on lack of sleep. I can blame it on studying at the university 8.5 hours every day. I can blame it on turmoil, dysfunction, incapacity, or the supreme lack of variety as I move from school to house to school to house like a clockwork scuba diver, bumping into walls and others and in the meantime, trying with what little might I have left to stay my course. I can blame it on run-on sentences that permeate my brain with those racing thoughts. But I wont.
I think that I am a big girl now. I don't feel it- I hardly feel my age at all (which isn't remarkably significant) but rather someone small and worried trapped in some sort of swirling vortex of textbooks and lectures and powerpoints.
Yes, I am a student, how can you tell?
But I realize that I have to pick up my big girl socks and put them on. Life isn't fair, but who are we to pass judgement on things that cannot change? I.e. exams, breakouts, stress... we can beg and plead and whine but at the end of all of it, we still have to carry on with our day. And it's certainly not like the day will stop just for us- that would be silly.
I have a cup of tea beside me... things are already making a slight (very slight!) turn for the better. But then again, tomorrow is Friday. And with Friday comes the weekend (though I doubt I have ever been less excited for a weekend) and with the weekend comes Monday and with Monday comes Christmas break and the beginning of my new placement.
Drat, I need to shop. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year but it can be so stressful as we work at tying up loose ends of schoolwork and horrible things that we don't want to do (i.e. the cleaning of one's bathroom in preparation of the company coming to stay)... but despite the frustrations of the past couple months - going back and forth between the doctors offices and school and home and the odd places in my mind where there is nothing but studying and creativity (both very different corners, may I add) - I have found peace.
From being stressed and scared about what would come to being exhausted and worn-down, I have seen a change that moved from despair to a welcoming of the Almighty into a state of who I want to be; who I am striving to be. I may not be happy or all in line just yet, but I have confidence that things will unfold to a better way. Do you feel the same?
On a side note, we are a funny people- always tending to skip the crack, only to land on another in the interim. Why do we think we can see when we really have no idea of the larger framework? Our blindness really confuses me, as both eyes are blinking, but have the nerves snapped? Are the organs functioning? Or do we just refuse to see past the ends of our noses into the dank darkness of the world around us? Into the larger puzzle, if you will, that is sprawled out before us like a map of the London underground.
And every time you enter the car, the resounding 'Mind the gap between the train and the platform' leaps out of the air to batter it's way into your mind, imprinting itself there. The words are etched in silver and every time you turn towards the light, you get a glint of metallic remembrance that shimmies along in your brain, reminding you of why you should do things differently.
You know that it is right. You know that it is the logical thing to do. You know that in the long-run it will ultimately be better off for both cowboys and indians, the british and the french, the good and the bad- but most days it's just too bloomin' difficult to constantly remind yourself of the goodness of logic. Screw logic! You say as you bash your head against the wall, trying to find the crack between the pieces of drywall, the opening into the alternative option. There should be more than a door number 1 and a door number 2, but would you really want to take the road which will only obviously lead to worse things?
I struggle, but I have hope for the future- for getting mixed up in things which could be better for others if I just kept a cool head and made sure to keep the filter on and tight. Why must I throw about random banter?
The lovely tube voice so clearly gives us warning... make sure you Mind The Gap, but hundreds upon thousands of personal effects are lost within that gap every year- and it doesn't stop in England. It happens all over North America, Asia, heck, if they decided to breech the disastrous weather, they'd have train gaps in Antarctica also.
You'll have the good ones. You'll have the dreadful ones. You'll wish you could crawl up into a ball of hopelessness or throw your arms up in the air and say I give up. I have wanted to do that several if not most days for the past couple weeks but for some odd reason I just keep going.
I guess I don't really have much of a choice... as I mentioned before, the day won't simply stop for me... but then again, nor do I want it to. Because that would mean that everyone would have to look at how broken I am and how incapable I am in putting my life into tidy arrangement ... despite all of the organization and colour coded note pages of my situations, things don't follow rules: athletes know that best of all. But everyone would see me trying to do this myself and shake their heads- I have a champion who is always around when I need him, just waiting for me to call out, but for some absolutely ridiculous reason, I pause. I have found change. This has always been changing.
And here I am, a new person, continuously made bright in Him despite my broken bits. I don't deserve it. I deserve to be locked away to never experience warmth or vitamin D on my skin again. I know people who would agree with that. But I plead forgiveness in all cases. I plead redemption.
And oddly enough, I've been given it by the one who truly matters.
~~
I have wanted to write something along these lines for months and months but have never got around to it- I have always found new things being added, old things being taken away and finally I just sat down in the midst of the most horrible month I have gone through to pour out my tears into a cup. Figuratively of course.
This is personal.
This is real.
This is me letting down my barriers so you can glimpse at the hurt, the literal pain (foot!), the mending and the joy that I am dealing with. If you hurt, there are always shoulders around. You're not alone out there. You're not.
And I may not know who you are, I may even- but know that I am willing to pray passionate for you... just say the word and it will be done.
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