Learning to Sum Up

So the long awaited ideas on WinterCon finally come out. I decided that if I left the information hanging it for much longer, there would be some serious forgetting of important things that I need to make note of.

I can't really put everything that I have realized or relearned or experienced into one short story as they asked us to at our campus recap - God is an infinite being with infinite creativity and love, how can what he teaches me be summarized?

So as I mentioned earlier, I tried to not go into the conference with high expectations, and from what I was truly aiming for, I attempted a total lack of them. In comparison to expectations, I went it with the belief that the conference that I wanted to experience would be changed and formulated by God alone- that if I had faith in his working in my life and in the speakers, I would draw so much more than what was potential to be there. This proved to be an absolute necessity as I found out so much about who I truly needed to be through Jesus and all the fixing that I was in desperate requirement of.

To be perfectly honest, I think I matured over the past 6 days into someone who is more confident not only with herself but with the horrible reality that she was entirely sub-par during the past several months.

I had a few friends coming in from across the world whom I met in Scotland on project and initially I was just truly excited to see them, spend time with them and reminisce about one of the most monumentally life-changing events that had taken place in my life. What I didn't appreciate were the emotional ties that would be drawn in such definition, nor the things that God would show and teach me through those wonderful 3.

I want to give you some context as to how I have seen things refine over the past few months, so please bear with me. I grew up in a Christian family, Christian school and went to a remarkably traditional Christian church. I found that I lived in a bubble, but until my first year of university, I didn't find it to be that big of a deal. It was when I first stepped into a building and walked past a small group of two guys and a girl who used more f-bombs in the 45 second period that I was within earshot than I thought was possible, that I really realized how screwed up this world was.

This broke me, seeing how very few people cared about ... well ... anything at all. They were concerned about getting decent grades (well any grade above an F) and about Thursden (the student appreciation night at the campus bar) and that seemed to be it. They cared little for the long-term directions of their lives, the reality of how short existence really was and how they were hurling their decisions to the wind, hoping they'll fall into a somewhat orderly pattern.

Apathy.

I have developed such a strong, loathing hatred for this word over the past months from about last January to now and most of it was accentuated with UK project.

Over in Scotland, we found students who cared about art. We found students who cared about films. We found students who cared about ales and the local music scene. But the main feelings were that they just didn't care about eternity. This hurt me so deeply and I constantly felt God pushing me to dig deeper into why they just couldn't seem to latch onto something more. And he filled me. I was so complete within God that it was like a constant, wonderful, spiritual energy drink that pushed me to draw closer to him and with his goodness, target people who needed him desperately.

During the project we were able to understand a little more into what made people tick, what made them think the way they did (or didn't) and how it affected their outlook on spirituality. Seeds were planted, crops now being harvested. God used this learning experience to bless others and I dwelt in that utter peace and calm for months afterwards but due to the horrible monstrosities of routine and laziness, I found myself slipping.

From about November to right up to WinterCon, I found myself caring less, falling back into a trench that didn't seem unappealing to get out of... after all, I was a student with a busy reading and homework schedule, I got violently ill, had my wisdom teeth yanked out... I was in a bad lot for a while- but I used this as an excuse for the gaping emptiness that I felt growing ever larger and larger as I drew away from having that closer relationship with God.

Day one during worship, I really found myself preparing for the things that I would be learning but I wasn't really aware that there was indeed that much to fix- I knew there were some seriously broken parts in myself but to what extent, I was unsure. I found that it was quite a substantial level, far greater than I thought and I spent the next few days learning how to give God the reigns to put myself back together. It turns out that the near 2 months of feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction was due to my disregard for my Lord and for the essential moments of quiet time that were explicitly necessary to keep a firm grip on who I really wanted and needed to be through Christ.

The whole 6 days of the conference, I pleaded with God to send the Holy Spirit so that we as a body would be absolutely overflowing with his strength and calm so that others would see it and crave it. Though it was never a large, crashing-symbol afair with huge fireworks and neon lights, he came through every time.

The last night, New Year's eve, all 220+ of us brought in 2011 with worship. This was so incredibly powerful that putting it into words that make sense is a difficult task indeed. The spirit of God was so thick in that place that he was tangible, he pressed on my eyelids and filled the gap between my outstretched arms. You felt him as we all knelt on the floor, crying into the carpet, pleading for forgiveness and offering total submission to Jesus. Revival happened that night and we were stirred up to do something worthwhile with ourselves.

I found that I had an insatiable hunger for the spirit to come and direct my moves, to help my accountability and to give me strength and drive to doing things for God that I have been scared of doing. I found that I had friends and family that I had to apologize for the ways I have hurt them in the past several weeks. I found that I have deep seeded roots of selfishness that I had to address before I could seriously learn anything about myself and how to adapt who I am to who I knew God wanted me to be.

He gave me insight into so much and he filled me over and over again with the spirit so that I, for the first time in what felt like months, was truly, deeply satisfied. My aches left, my loneliness disappeared, my self-consciousness was dissipated... he addressed the deep parts of me that were so tainted, so spoiled and soiled by darkness, anger, frustration, lethargy and despair.

The amelioration that roused the people through the whole conference was a huge sending call that God placed on many hearts - project night came around, people were able to sign for projects and come to the realization that God really did need to take the control as faith would be the majority of what we would be working on as people.

Bits of what I have seen though have stirred me into seeing that I was so lost and so broken that it hurts me to think that I fell to that level. He is my focus once again and to a point where I never want to let go- he has impacted me so intensely over the past few days through things that were said, songs that were sung, the words that he spoke to me and how others acted around and with me. I love my friends and the mercies they have shown me and I am forever thankful to God for all that I've been give.

I really am at a loss for words of utter gratitude. Just, thank you.

Chris, Tanner, Me, Devin

Unknown, Hadassah, Me, Tanner, Andy