Vulnerability At It's Most Honest
I dislike conflict. I always have and my unfortunate tendency is to avoid it. When something pushes me further and deeper, closer to that breaking point, I tend to swallow it down like a nasty pill and hope it goes away. Does this work? No. Does it hurt when eventually it all comes spilling out? Yes.
Conflict resolution on the other hand, is valuable and vital. It takes time from that conflict and allows relationships to be exposed, hurts to be healed. Does it work? Yes. Do I like it? No.
No one likes having their flaws pointed out; especially if they cause another's discomfort. To be approached and held in a spotlight while personal issues are brought to the surface, it's a vulnerable and rather dreadful thing. You feel exposed, weak, and so small for doing something at another's expense.
And now for a personal moment. I have realized something important about myself today: I do not take feedback well. My tendency is to put up walls and respond as if I am being attacked as that's how I (wrongfully) interpret it. This isn't good for me, nor is it fair for others. Historically, I've lost a lot of really valuable relationships because of this; I put up these walls and go into self-preservation mode, shutting people out from seeing my vulnerable, hurt soul. When people can't chip at those walls, they lose interest. Good-bye important people in my life. Good one Meg, you've single-handedly ensured your isolation. Every once in a while though, I encounter someone who has the patience to wait out my self-induced siege; they sit calmly at my side until the iron curtains come down and I'm ready to trust again. These people are invaluable in my life as they see me as the selfish and broken woman I can be and remind me of the grace of Jesus that is extended even in my more wrapped-up, self-indulgent thoughts.
Does this sound like I'm berating myself? Well I am. Simply put, I am tired of being prey to my own selfishness. I can talk about hopefulness and courtesy, but if I don't get to my heart and really examine just how much I really need salvation, I've missed the point of Lent. I've missed the point of Christianity. I can't do it on my own, nor should I really try. While my heart can hurt at my pitfalls and how I hurt others, I need to get out of my self-absorbed bubble and recognize that there is room to grow. I need to take this well designed feedback and learn to integrate it into my lifestyle to help me run at a greater capacity than which I am promptly. Grace allows me to do that; to learn to trust others even in the midst of my Jericho, but as the Bible story goes, what goes up, must come down. I hope to not only stop those walls from rising but to truly deal with my crap in a way that is mildly more healthy than bottling the stuff up. It's toxic and toxins should be sucked out.
Does this mean I'm going to be the queen of receiving feedback come Easter? Not a chance. But you have my promise that I will work my hardest to stop taking things so personally and simply assuming that I am more impervious than I am. I have learned hurt today, but I have also learned some humility.
So where does that put me now? Well in all honesty, there are those days when you just need a hug. Where you need to sit on someone's lap, lean in, and just feel small, safe, and secure in someone else's arms. That's what I reckon I need in this moment (not sitting at my desk, swaddled in as many blankets I can find, staring at a screen while I brush the odd, stray tear aside. The feels and I don't well get along). But I am comforted in the least knowing that I can rest in Jesus. That He can draw me to be better each day; less hurtful, less selfish, less prideful, and less discourteous to those who are around me. Here's to brushes with glory that assist with falling asleep at night.
Conflict resolution on the other hand, is valuable and vital. It takes time from that conflict and allows relationships to be exposed, hurts to be healed. Does it work? Yes. Do I like it? No.
No one likes having their flaws pointed out; especially if they cause another's discomfort. To be approached and held in a spotlight while personal issues are brought to the surface, it's a vulnerable and rather dreadful thing. You feel exposed, weak, and so small for doing something at another's expense.
And now for a personal moment. I have realized something important about myself today: I do not take feedback well. My tendency is to put up walls and respond as if I am being attacked as that's how I (wrongfully) interpret it. This isn't good for me, nor is it fair for others. Historically, I've lost a lot of really valuable relationships because of this; I put up these walls and go into self-preservation mode, shutting people out from seeing my vulnerable, hurt soul. When people can't chip at those walls, they lose interest. Good-bye important people in my life. Good one Meg, you've single-handedly ensured your isolation. Every once in a while though, I encounter someone who has the patience to wait out my self-induced siege; they sit calmly at my side until the iron curtains come down and I'm ready to trust again. These people are invaluable in my life as they see me as the selfish and broken woman I can be and remind me of the grace of Jesus that is extended even in my more wrapped-up, self-indulgent thoughts.
Does this sound like I'm berating myself? Well I am. Simply put, I am tired of being prey to my own selfishness. I can talk about hopefulness and courtesy, but if I don't get to my heart and really examine just how much I really need salvation, I've missed the point of Lent. I've missed the point of Christianity. I can't do it on my own, nor should I really try. While my heart can hurt at my pitfalls and how I hurt others, I need to get out of my self-absorbed bubble and recognize that there is room to grow. I need to take this well designed feedback and learn to integrate it into my lifestyle to help me run at a greater capacity than which I am promptly. Grace allows me to do that; to learn to trust others even in the midst of my Jericho, but as the Bible story goes, what goes up, must come down. I hope to not only stop those walls from rising but to truly deal with my crap in a way that is mildly more healthy than bottling the stuff up. It's toxic and toxins should be sucked out.
Does this mean I'm going to be the queen of receiving feedback come Easter? Not a chance. But you have my promise that I will work my hardest to stop taking things so personally and simply assuming that I am more impervious than I am. I have learned hurt today, but I have also learned some humility.
So where does that put me now? Well in all honesty, there are those days when you just need a hug. Where you need to sit on someone's lap, lean in, and just feel small, safe, and secure in someone else's arms. That's what I reckon I need in this moment (not sitting at my desk, swaddled in as many blankets I can find, staring at a screen while I brush the odd, stray tear aside. The feels and I don't well get along). But I am comforted in the least knowing that I can rest in Jesus. That He can draw me to be better each day; less hurtful, less selfish, less prideful, and less discourteous to those who are around me. Here's to brushes with glory that assist with falling asleep at night.
Comments
Post a Comment
Thank-you for the feedback!